How to Help if You Think Your Friend or Family Member is Being AbusedKnowing that someone you care about is being abused by a partner can be very painful. You may also feel helpless, fearful, or frustrated with the situation because you don’t know what you can do to help. While you can’t change the situation by yourself, there are things that you can do to help and support your family member or friend. Below are some suggestions. [The Center recognizes that there are numerous men who are survivors of domestic violence. However, given that the large majority of survivors are women, “she” will be used in this section to refer to survivors of domestic violence.]
Be available to talk about it. It can be hard to know what to say to someone who you think is being abused, but talking about the abuse can be very helpful for your friend/family member. You might start by telling her that you’ve noticed that she seems upset or sad, and ask her if she would like to talk about it. Assure her that you won’t share what she tells you with anyone. Tell her that she should feel free to talk to you about what her partner does and how she feels. If she is hesitant to share information about the abuse with you, let her know that you are ready to listen whenever she is ready to talk. If she does decide to talk with you about the abuse, it is important that you choose your words carefully. For example, don’t say things that could sound like you are judging or blaming her for the abuse.
Talk with her about her safety. If she has decided to share information about the abuse with you, you can try to help your friend or family member think about how she and her children can stay safe in all of the places in which she regularly finds herself. Your friend/family member probably thinks about this often, but it can help to talk through options with someone else. Help her think about the following:
Places: Where does she often find herself on a regular basis? Examples are home, work, car, bus, train, church, family members’ or friends’ homes, childcare provider, and school.
Allies: Who are the people in each of those places whom she can trust and who would be willing to help her, if her partner shows up?
Actions: What are the things that she would like allies to do if her partner shows up? It is also helpful to think through with her what she does not want her allies to do.
Encourage your family member/friend to talk to her allies and ask them to do what she would like them to do in the event that her partner appears at a particular location, as well as what she would not like them to do.
Encourage her to speak with an advocate and/or a therapist. An advocate at a local domestic violence program can help your family member or friend to think through her options and develop strategies to keep herself and her children safe, and move on if that is what she wants to do. They have access to resources that you may not have, and may be able to help her with many aspects of her life. You can find the name and number of a local domestic violence program in your area by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Domestic violence can sometimes make a person feel a person frightened, hurt, sad, confused, angry, ashamed, or hopeless, or can make someone feel as if she is losing her mind. The abuse can make existing mental health concerns even worse, and an abusive partner can try to use a mental health diagnosis or treatment against a survivor of domestic violence. Click here for more information about common mental health effects of domestic violence. If your friend/family member is concerned about any of this, she may want to talk with an advocate about this, and ask about their recommendations for a mental health service provider that will understand and be knowledgeable about what she is going through. For information on how to choose a therapist that has a thorough understanding of domestic violence, click here.
Only she can make the decision about whether to leave. Even though you might want her to leave the relationship, she may not want to do this. If she thinks she might consider leaving in the future, she still may not feel that it is safe to do so at this time. She may rule out leaving her partner altogether, or she may need to wait weeks, months, or even years before she feels like she can safely leave. This is because she has to consider many factors when deciding whether or when to leave. Some of the things that she will have to think about include keeping custody of her children, her economic resources, childcare, housing, and the safety of herself and her children. Each person has different circumstances, and she has to figure out what is the best thing to do. Even if she decides that the best thing to do is to leave, only she can decide when it is the safest time to do so.
Even though it may be frustrating for you when you friend/family member tells you that she does not want to leave, or that she is not ready to leave at this time, you should never pressure her or try to convince her to leave. Only she can make this decision. You can tell her that you are concerned for her safety and the well-being of her children (if she has children), but do not threaten to withdraw your friendship or support if she disagrees with your opinion. You may be the only person that she feels that she is able to turn to for help, and she needs to know that you will be there for her if or when she does decide to leave.
Whether she leaves or not, be supportive. If your friend/family member decides to stay, make sure she knows that you care about her and will be there to support her if she ever needs to talk or if she needs help. If she does leave, she may be sad after the relationship ends, even though her partner was abusing her. Support her and offer to listen if she wants to talk about it.
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