Information for Domestic Violence Survivors
It is not surprising that abuse by an intimate partner is not conducive to one’s well-being or mental health. Victimization by an intimate partner places women at significantly higher risk for depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use, and suicide attempts - all of which are common responses to the traumatic experience of abuse. Despite this increased risk, for many domestic violence survivors, symptoms, if present, resolve once they (and their children) have access to safety, resources, and support. For others, treatment is an important component of their plans to increase safety, free themselves from the abuse, and recover from its traumatic effects.
Nonetheless, different people can have different responses to abuse. If you are being abused, you may feel frightened, hurt, sad, confused, angry, ashamed or hopeless. At times you may feel like you are losing your mind. In addition, the stress of the abuse may cause any mental health symptoms you have, to worsen. You may feel flooded with fear, anxiety, or panic and feel like you need to run from the room or avoid anything that reminds you of the abuse. You may space out when someone is asking you questions or providing important information because you are feeling too overwhelmed when you think about what is happening at home. You may be immobilized by depression and find it hard to concentrate or lack the energy to get out of bed. You may even feel like you don’t want to live anymore. Or, you may find yourself feeling numb and hoping that if you ignore it, it will just go away. All of these and others are common responses to living with domestic violence.
Your partner may make these things worse by blaming you or telling you that you are crazy and no one will believe you or take you seriously. He/she may tell you that you are the one with the problem.
If you have been given a mental health diagnosis or receive mental health treatment, your partner may try to use this against you by:
v Trying to control your treatment or access to treatment;
v Speaking for you or preventing you from talking to your mental health provider about the abuse;
v Controlling your ability to take your prescription medication;
v Telling you that he/she will have you committed to a psychiatric institution; or
v Depriving you of sleep and other basic needs.
He/she may try to use information about your mental health to convince law enforcement, prosecutors, or judges that:
v You are not believable because of the mental health issues;
v The abuse never happened;
v You were “out of control” and your partner needed to restrain you;
v You are the one with the problem, not the partner who is abusing you; and/or
v You are an unfit parent.
If your abusive partner has legal guardianship and/or power of attorney, he/she may control your finances. He/she may threaten you with the loss of custody of your children if you leave the relationship.
Making the Decision to Talk to Someone
It may be helpful for you to learn more about your responses to the abuse and how it may be affecting your physical and mental health. Remember: the responses you have are because of what has happened to you, not because there is something wrong with you.
It can be very difficult to go forward and talk to someone about what is happening to you and how it is affecting you. Only you can decide if it is something you want to do, and when it is safe to do so.
You might decide that it is best to talk with a trusted friend or family member at first. If you decide to do this, you should choose someone who:
v Will believe you and who is a good listener; and
v Will keep what you say confidential (in other words they will not tell anyone else what you tell them).
You may instead decide that you want to talk with someone who has worked with people who have been abused and/or someone who can help you with any mental health symptoms you are experiencing.
There are two main options for this. You can choose one or both, depending on your needs and concerns. Either can help you with some of your needs, but may not be able to address all of them. Whomever you choose may refer you to the other for different kinds of assistance.
1. You can talk with an advocate at a local domestic violence program. Advocates are knowledgeable about resources in your community and have worked with many people who have been abused.
An advocate can offer support and help you plan for your safety. An advocate may also be able to refer you to an attorney who can help you with your legal issues. If you have applied for a protection order already, an advocate can help you to prepare for your appearance at the protection order hearing. Local domestic violence programs also often offer support groups that will allow you to talk with others who have experienced abuse by a partner.
If you are not sure where your local domestic violence program is located, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or (800) 787-3224 (TTY).
2. You can also talk with a professional therapist (social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist) about how you are feeling and about any problems you are experiencing as a result of the abuse. You can try calling your local domestic violence program (see above for information about finding a program near you). They may have a list of private therapists who have worked with people who have been abused, or may be able to recommend a person or a program at another agency that provides counseling to persons who have been abused. You could also ask a friend who has had a good experience with a therapist, or call a rape crisis center or the YWCA in your town.
Deciding Whether a Therapist is Right for You*
A good therapist should be interested in hearing from you about how the abuse has affected you emotionally and psychologically, as well as about any feelings or symptoms you are experiencing that concern you. A therapist should also be interested in supporting you in your mental health and in the decisions you make related to the abuse and your life goals.
A therapist should also:
v Ask about your safety and help you with your safety planning;
v Provide information about domestic violence;
v Be knowledgeable about community resources concerning domestic violence, mental health, and other issues you may want to address;
v Be knowledgeable about treating the traumatic effects of abuse; and
v Discuss with you what kinds of information they are keeping in their records and how it might affect you in court (you might also want to discuss this with an advocate and/or an attorney)
A therapist should never:
v Ask about abuse in the presence of another person who may not be safe;
v Blame you for the abuse you have experienced;
v Refuse to believe what you tell him/her about the abuse;
v Minimize the abuse or try to convince you that the abusive partner just gets angry or loses control sometimes;
v Humiliate you or criticize your decisions related to the abuse;
v Use an abusive partner to provide additional information about you;
v Leave messages or send information to your home without finding out if it is safe to do so;
v Discount your cultural heritage or beliefs; or
v Suggest couples counseling or mediation for you and your abusive partner.
If a therapist does any of these things, you may want to talk to him/her about it. Or you may want to leave and find a new therapist. You could also call the local domestic violence program and tell them about the therapist, so that they know not to refer others to that therapist.
*Some of the information in this section was adapted from Jones, A., & Schechter, S. (1992). When Love Goes Wrong. New York: HarperCollins.
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